Light Headed - Ego Identification

I was meditating today in the park, on my lunch break.  I had this sensation of light headedness... and it scared me. I get all these fears like, "what if you're dieing?"  "what if you loose consciousness?"

I dont know why I get the lighteded feeling... But what I realized is that i'm so ego identified.  All I could do is grasp onto my chair, and try and break the meditation, to focus on myself.

This fear... this attachment to the body, is ego identificaiton... and it's not pleasant.  It disrupts and blocks spiritual progress.

Quote: Kriyananda

“I have always found that by adhering rigidly
to right action, I have achieved all the success I wanted and needed in
life.” - Kriyananda

How to be successful

To be ethical and all decisions made with a dharmic mind.  Only through right action is one successful.

How to separate God from Ego

A similar question was asked of Swami Kriyananda.  He mentioned that our ego wants to get in the way, but the way we can discover what is ego - if there is desire behind it. 

The guidance of God, shouldn't have selfish desire associated, but the egoic goals will have desire.  Find decisions that don't have selfish desire.

Fear

I was meditating a few days ago and came across this idea of Fear.

Fear, when confronted with a situation, is normal for someone attached to their body.
But fear, when no situation is currently at hand, is not normal - and instead the concentration on that fearful potential can create the outcome.

Depressed and writing a poem

I've been depressed for the past 3-4 weeks.

In looking at the source it seems to be my job.  The pressure, stress and demands that have occupied my life and taken away my ability to spend time with the family, exercise and even meditate.

in this dark feeling i wrote this stream of consciousness poem today:

this is the run on that never ends... the ultimate darkness of the human soul lays at the depth of my inner voice.  my hardened soul calibre is tired and fleeting life bleeds tired.  We're remote from the source.  The ever pounding thump of doom returns the horn call of the hallows evening.  This is the night of passing. The day of which turns to my personal night.  my darkness falls.  covering the tapestry of the lightless void.  Here I am.  I cry to those that hear me not.  Here I am... is returned by the call of him who knows me well... the eternal one... that mighty source - the spark of life.  Resonating well he says "there you are" and I am alive - again.  the process repeating itself. the incarnation repeating.  all memories whiped.  all karma ripened.  I am alone again, in a world of suffering.  The buddha was right.  but where's the goal?  I have lost sight.

Depressed

Since about Tuesday I've been depressed. I thought it useful to log this in the journal. It's affected my meditation (Tuesday i didn't meditate at all and we'd I only got 45min in.) In trying to find a trigger I've noticed: 1) Sat night and Monday night I saw depressing movies/ tv shows 2) Monday I realized my finances are not in a great position 3) I had fears about my job 4) Wife's immigration appointment was canceled by info pass. I felt like I can't win with these guys. I've been caught up in the delusion of Maya. Today (Thursday) I'm still feeling "down" although not as bad as Tuesday. After getting some sleep on Tuesday, I feel better, but not 100%.