Could you not wait, even an hour?

I began the day in a mood. I was upset with someone at work, who promised to stay up with me at midnight while we did some special testing. Then after anhour of waiting he just logged off leaving me to do all the work. I was up to 3am. He never appologized. He never said anything.

As I got to work, I felt frustrated and realized i was angry with this guy.

So I sat and thought about it. I thought, "Man, this co-worker couldn't even wait with me an hour."

Then I remembered a passage in the Bible where Jesus says that about his followers in the garden.

That's when it hit me. The reason I went through this - I haven't been spending time with God... in meditation. I've been cheapening out. I used to give 20min 2 times a day. Now i give 4-10min maybe once a day. I can't even sit in meditation for more then a few min. I put other things as more important.

But nothing is more important then God.

So, this co-worker was a symbol of who I am... a reflection of my actions against God.

In that regard, I thank them. For showing me the error of my ways.

Dream of my Fathers Passing

At 4:44am I woke this morning with a dream that my father passed. I felt weird lightheaded ...

In the dream I was in my fathers house withy wife. My father came downstairs. The left side of his face and body was frozen. He was looking for medicine. I was helping him take his medicine when I looked in the back yard. Through the kitchen window. Outside was a ship. His navy ship from ww ii.

I pointed to it. I knew he was firing at that point.

He he got on it. He was the only person on it. I walked beside it as it shoved off into this mist.

I looked at him. He was happy as he steered it at the wheel.

I said "Dad... I love you."

He said he loved me then he got serious, "Listen, I want you to know. The last few years, I've seen your mother the happiest I've ever seen her."

I told him I'd miss him.

Then he was gone.

I tried to follow him but couldn't go far.

I began to feel light headed.

I saw himas though on a dream. He was young like 25. He was dressed like a sailor. He ran up to someone and asked "sir what can I do" and he was given instruction regarding a ship from war.

A voice told me "he is going through his own karma."

Inner Peace - Stay Inside

Want inner peace?

Stay inside.

No, not inside your house... inside your soul.

After going through the wonderful course on Inner Peace at ananda.org (click here for more info), I came to understand some real deep truths about peace and stability. I also see similar teachings radiating in Yogananda's teachings found in the book, "How to achieve Courage, Calmness and Confidence."

Inner Peace is being centered. When we think of ourselves as a tree, the branches radiating out are various desires and aspects of our life. Some branches are family, jobs, finances... others can be drinking, smoking, lust, desire. When we live in the branches, we loose our center. Branches break and snap. The strength of the tree is it's center.

According to the teachings of Yogananda - Nature has it's ebbs and flows. It's ups and downs. It's unavoidable. The crest of a hill, has a trough on the other side. But, the GOOD NEWS is that, by going inward, we are not effected by the ups and downs of nature - why?

BECAUSE THE SOUL IS NOT SUBJECT TO THIS.

Joy experienced in the soul, has no opposite. Whereas, emotional joy is a branch.. you're reaching out to the branches for that. that causes off center movement, which has it's own reverberation. Back and forth we go... emotional joy - then emotional frustration - then emotional joy... back and forth. BUT in the soul, there is no reaction.

From the Inner Peace course's teachings:

When joy is experienced in the soul, then there is no opposite to it. This is true joy. Emotional joy, on the other hand, involves reaching outside of yourself. When you reach out into the world to grab your joy, you will find that it will always be followed by a sadness or depression. There always has to be some kind of compensation. We think that if we push further and further, it will become more real and permanent —that in pushing the limit of our joy as far as we can, we'll break away from the whole pattern of unhappiness and get into total joy. We keep hoping and trying but none of it ends up lasting. The more you push towards finding joy outside yourself, the more you have to experience just as intensely the opposite pain.

The natural world is dualistic. As it's taught in the course, and quite interestingly true - every poisonous plant has it's own antidote growing nearby. But the soul doesn't have this dualistic nature.

Keep flowing
Keep that energy flowing upwards. Be aware of the energy inside, and keep moving it up.

From the Inner Peace course at Ananda.org:

When the thought of self-indulgence in sense pleasures and taking for oneself
predominates, the energy moves downward rather than upward. The more sense-oriented
and selfish an experience, the more it deadens one’s spiritual sensitivity.

Handling Anger (cycle chart)

From the course on Inner Peace at Ananada - is this page on how to handle anger...

Ink, Paper & a Stamp

That's all it took... those three things: Ink, Paper and a Stamp. That's all it took for me to loose my center yesterday.

I've been doing so well with anger. Totally free of it throughout the week - then yesterday, as i'm about to head out, I pick up the mail. In the mail is a letter from my Dr.'s office. I'm assuming it's a small bill for my recent blood test.

It's a bill all right. A bill I expected at $15, was well over $400. I was shocked. Outraged. Pissed off. I yelled. I screamed. I cussed.

my peace of mind was shaken. I said, "Why does God curse me with every blessing!" I couldn't reframe this in the moment. I was stuck in the rage.

I fell far fast.

Then, to make it worse, I calmed down outwardly, but only built up more repression of my anger. I dwelt on it. In the next hour after reading this, I was obsessing on it. I was thinking, "how can i make a few hundred bucks to pay for this? Will they say it's a mistake? How can i fight this?"

Then my wife did something normal, and I took out my anger on her. She gets quiet, and we go home early, instead of having a great anniversary weekend.

I get home, i'm looking for some source of satisfcation and peace and instead, indulge in over=eating and other bad habits.

It was about an hour after that I started to feel guilty. guilty for everything I did.

Now, beyond the guilt, I see the reality. God brought me that. it was a test to my tithe. Each paycheck, I give 10% to spiritual groups that teach and edify me. One source is Ananda.org another source is Agape. A third source is a small church I go to with my wife.

Here it would be a test of giving - with this bill in my face. I was upset because...

get this...

i was upset because I was caught up in my LITTLE SELF... and I was caught up in my SEEMING lack. But the reality of Tithing is, "God will provide." It's the true test of belief in God.

I failed in that moment. But now I see clearly. Next time, maybe I'll stay calm and clear.

Money Money Money

Sometimes, society pressures make us want to "keep up with the Jones'" or "be like the next guy.

Recently, a good friend of mine, got a new job. It's an amazing opportunity. Since we do the same job, the first thing through my mind was a craving to be like this guy. It was a hallmark of success.

BUT - wait. I have my own karma to get through.

I can't live another person's life. It may not be what's "right for me" or what God wants for me at this point.

This desire, if not the right path, could end in futility. Thus Frustration.

My friend had the Karma to get into a great gig. That's awesome.

If I were to live someone else's life and goals and get a boost in pay, if it's outside of God's will either A) be a frustrating exercise or B) it won't happen, and be frustrating.

That's not to say, don't go for an opportunity. Go for it, without expectations. BUT if you know you're where you're supposed to be, there's no reason to move.

In my recent past - starting around 2008 I started trying to make extra income... I ran a few side businesses, and got into day trading. All of it, ended in ruin. I also tried selling my photography and art, and that ended in ruin.

Not only did my ventures fail, but then when I tried to stabilize and stop the ventures, I got hit with enormous problems that cost me a lot of money.

I would get an extra $5000 only to get hit with an emergency requiring $8000. It was a repeat of a problem, that was so coincidental, I began looking for a deeper reason behind it all.

I recently discovered, I had a deep seated desire to be "free" of debt so I could be "free" of relying on God for my daily life.

We are IN FACT, taught this from an early age. "Save your money," "Invest in a 401k," "Prepare for rough times." I'm not saying that's bad, but if the motivation is to be self reliant - then our need and dependency upon God is weakened.

We can be out of debt. We can have the money to meet our needs. But with the right motivation. If we are close to God, living a spiritual life - God will take more interest in guiding us. This can initially be frustrating. But once we see what's going on, it's liberating.

For me, I strive to never accept something that isn't paid for. Movies, DVD's, Music - I wont take it, if it's copied. I don't want the karma of 'theft' on my mind.

I also began Tithing. 10% given to a source of spiritual knowledge or inspiration. I currently divide the 10% of my earnings amongst 2-3 sources.

Pray believing that God will assist my needs.

Maybe God will give me a job that's as good or better then this friend of mine. OR, maybe that's the WORST thing for ME. The most important facet of life, for me, is being in God's will. I've had points in my life where I got enormous wealth, and squandered it, and left the spiritual path I was on. Those were incidents and lessons, due to having wrong motivation.

The motivation must be pure. The desire of having something, just to have it, is impure. For me, the reason to be out of debt (however I can achieve that) must be for goals that do NOT take away from God.

God is the Doer...

In everything God is the Doer.

This was told to me by some instructors from Ananda.

It has really helped me deal with stress at work. The whole "Why is this guy not pushing back on the project?" or "Why is he saying that?" or any other of endless complaints can end with this premise.

If God is the doer, don't complain. There's a lesson here, from God to me, so look for it.

The problem ceases being a problem, and becomes instead a reference point to freedom.

An example of this:
This past week - I had a situation at work, where I was getting frustrated. I look back on it now and I see the initial reason why I became upset.

It started like this: Someone at work, wanted to push more and more into something we were trying to release. This added pressure and stress on everyone to try and meet these changing goals. But if God is the doer, then this is occurring under the will of God. As such, I can't call this person names, or think negatively of this person. I can't. I see them only as doing the work of God. But what could the purpose possibly be?

Judging from my reaction - I must have a problem with being "pushed around" or in handling Greed/Desire. I say this because I had a reaction. Reactions in us are pointers to internal problems. In this case, I'm having a reaction to someone's greed. This guy was apparently "greedy" to get more things out in a release. This greed caused me to feel "pushed around."

First question I ask: Do I ever act this way with others? Do I ever throw my weight around to get what I want?

If so (invariably things that bother us are reflections of what's inside us) then this is a lesson to help me overcome my own tendency to do the same thing.

Second question I ask:What's the root cause or motivator that frustrates me? In this case, this person appears to have the root motivator of greed/desire. I have the same root problem, in other areas of my life.

So simply - this is a life lesson, not a frustrating person in my life. **Important Note: Life lessons aren't about the problems in others! They are always about the problems in US!** A lesson will never be "Oh i discovered this co-worker is a true dick." That's not a Life Lesson. A Life Lesson would be, "I see my own mistakes now, now I must find a way to work and resolve my similar problems."

It's hard to get to that conclusion in the moment. But start where we're at. If it takes a week to realize this. Great. In time, it will take less and less time - till you see the life lesson in the moment. You see, as the Buddhist's say, the emptiness of the situation.

Once we see the problem, then what?
So far, we've hit the nail on the head of where the problem is. But how do we fix it? In this case, I worked on issues of Greed and Desire - by uses of chants, meditation and prayer.
One mental chant that helped me is this one:
"I am Strong in myself. I am Complete in myself. The joy and perfection of the Universe await Inner Discovery."

Meditation, twice daily (morning and evening) for even a mere 15min at a time, helps tremendously. What I meditate on is either Universal Love or Expanded Consciousness. Expanded Consciousness, is meditating that you are not in the body. You are outside it, then expand your awareness... further and further expand - it removes the "I" and "ego" of self. It helps realize a universal oneness.

One Last Thing (perhaps the most important):
Don't forget to Thank God for the Life Lessons.