Getting Back Into Meditation - and why I keep dropping off

I posted this in my other blog:
http://continuousmind.blogspot.com/2013/08/getting-back-into-meditation.html

I'm trying to recharge again and get back into meditation and mindfulness is something new I'm working on.

I don't know why but I tend to slip in and out of my practice.  I was pretty strong and connected to Yogananda's work via Ananda, until the end of 2012.  Then I slipped into materialism.  I started looking at the teachings and practices again around March of 2013 but I fell off again shortly there after.

I think that Yogananda's teachings are spot on.  Not sure why I keep falling off the daily practice.

Over the past few months I've looked into Zen (Sekida's work) as well as Bhante Gunaratana's work (Mindfulness in Plain English.)  The latter is very open, and easily meshes with Yogananda's teachings.

I feel one bit of resistance inside me, is to this idea of postures, and specific patterns of practice... For example, I see benefit to Hong Sau, but I find it difficult to believe that yoga postures do anything.  Sometimes I feel the energy move in my body, but other then that I don't really believe it.  Perhaps that inner resistance is what's preventing me from moving forward.  After all the teaching Yogananda wishes his students to attain is that of Kriya Yoga.

I think perhaps my doubts on mudra's and positions is causing me to have a inner blockage here.

The power of Intent and it's Danger

I haven't posted in awhile, and this may be seen as somewhat political in nature.  I don't wish it to be political in nature.

The past week has been one where I'm asked about my opinion regarding the Zimmerman trial almost daily.  I really try not to get involved in heated discussions or siding with one point of view.

But in this case I decided to read up on it. 

Instead of writing what I think about the trial, I wanted to take a different approach.  It's something each of us, especially parents, should take to heart.

Spiritualists have all heard of the "law of attraction."  We hear it talked about in movies like the Secret.  Many know of the concept of Karma - actions you do have reactions, and those actions you get are due to past actions.

But this case is the very evidence of this.

For the moment:
Forget the verdict.

Forget the court case

Look at Martin, the victim of the shooting.  Most of us see the photos in the aftermath, where he is a nice smiling child.  But we don't see who he was pretending to be.  When I started reading about the case, I saw Martin's twitter quotes, his facebook posts... the things his friends wrote him the years up to his death.  Photo's he took of himself.

Martin was trying his hardest to be perceived as a threat.  In his posts he called himself "gangsta," and his friends posted similarly about him being so.  Martin posted pictures of him breaking the law... smoking and intimating he was smoking pot.  He showed guns in his profile photos.

In short: He was trying his level best to be perceived as a gangster, as someone not trustworthy and someone to be scared of. 

His wish came true.  Someone did perceive him that way.  Someone did see him as a threat.  Remember the words of Zimmerman?  He said he felt something was wrong with that kid.  Whether you think he was wrong or right... why did he think that?

"He's a racist" some say... but why did he think that about Martin?

These things all have a reason.  He and Martin were drawn to that situation.  Martin wanted to be a threat, and Zimmerman was drawn to dealing with a threat.

What we can learn from this, is to drop the pretense.  Stop trying to be things that will bring us ill return.  Stop trying to be the threat.  Stop trying to create these defensive postures.  Stop trying to be seen as dangerous, aggressive, hostile, lewd, lustful, hateful, sad, depressed....  As we radiate those negative facades... we bring to us the very worst cases.

As parents, we should see that this behavior will return to our kids.  When we see our kids act like "outcasts" or "gangsta's" or "depressed" we have to take action.  These can be facades... we may think, "it's a phase..." that these facades attract really dangerous outcomes. 

You may be angry with the verdict.  But learn one thing from this life lesson - what we desire to be, we become... and before we become it, people will perceive us as being it. 

Devotion Problems

I was reading:
http://ananda.it/en/article/secret-devotion

It's a great read.  What I took out of it, was that there's one thing a spiritual seeker must not loose, and that's devotion.  Here's an excerpt:

Jesus said that when salt loses its taste it can no longer flavor anything. When the devotee loses devotion, who can give it back to him? Once Yogananda told me, “You will be fine, but don’t lose devotion.” It is the only important thing. Don’t worry about your weaknesses – everyone has them, otherwise they would not be here on earth – but don’t lose your devotion.

What I feel bad about, is that I always loose devotion.   Each path I picked I've walked out of a year later, or I become lazy about it... and preoccupy myself with material matters.

I'm not actually sure how to maintain Devotion.  At some point in my path, for one reason or another (stress, being busy, material obsession) I stop meditating, stop practicing... Or, I say, "You know I don't feel this is working, I better try something else."

I've been thinking about it a lot and I dont know why I have this problem.

I was raised in Christianity.  I didn't have a choice there. I thought it was the only path.  When I sought a solution to anger, I couldn't find it there, so I branched out to Buddhism... still holding on to Christianity, but taking on Buddhist methods. 

I left Buddhism, after it felt like a grind.  I was driving 2-3 hours each way to do the Buddhist thing.  I kept it up for a year, when it had it's "newness."  When the newness wore off, I started to find reasons to exit.  I saw arrogance, ego, fundamentalism (i.e. "Other Buddhists are wrong, our way is the right way...")  and a lack of concern for others... when the Tsunami occurred people organized food drives, and the Lama told us that our efforts were in vain, as we can't help people here in this world. if we could, then the Buddha would do it for us.  So therefore why help others, unless you do it with the intention of resolving your own karma.

I tried other Buddhist centers, but they told me that sooner or later I'd have to drop the concept of God.  I didn't like that as I believed in God, yet saw real value in Buddhism.

I moved from Buddhism to join the Golden Dawn. They had a concept of God, but lacked the useful methodologies of Buddhism... and their meditation practices in the Golden Dawn were weak.  They didn't have any real concrete form of meditation.  People were ego maniacs and I saw little spiritual gain.  Siddhi's and powers, yes they had... but no gain over emotion, anger, or finding a relationship with God.  My decision to leave was during a time of stress for me. I was doing work for the G.D. and my fiance didn't care for the time i put into it... along with the G.D. members starting to talk down to me or talk to me in anger.

I left the G.D. to self teachings of the occult mysteries... only to feel again, I wasn't gaining or growing spiritually.

I shifted to Scientology - that started well with Dianetic auditing... but once they started the money calls... i left. 

I moved back to self  teachings... and became soon after joined Free Masonry... which offered little more then a social club... then tried the Kabbalah Center... but left that within a year.  My feelings on Kabbalah was that again, I felt this agressive attitude from certain people and it turned me off.

At this point, I drifted into Self Study of Eastern Philosophy... such as Eckert Tolle, Ram Dass, and Michael Bernard Beckwith (Religious Science.)  I wanted to belong... Beckwith's group Agape, was huge... and expensive... so I didn't stick.  Then through Beckwith's books, I found a mention of Yogananda... and somehow came to Kriya.

I wanted to discover this Kriya Yoga, and found Ananda.

Ananda has been one of the most solid spiritual organizations I've ever spent time with.  They are great people, positive and peaceful.  I don't agree with everything Kriyananda believed, but I respect his work very much.

But after 1.5 years, I began to slip on Ananda's teachings... I was hard core up till about mid of last year.  I got busy with life... when my son was born a couple  years ago, I slipped up on meditation... then later I slipped up when i was looking to make a carrier change. 

But now I'm in a stable job... but I find it so hard to focus on the spiritual path.  I know there are stressors in my life... my wife's immigration issues, my son needs to be watched constantly, money is tight... and I'm paying too much to the Fed Income Tax...

My diet is terrible. I have migraines, and I'm tired all the time.  The only time I meditate is in the morning... maybe I get 30min in... but I don't do the evening meditations, because I'm drained by then.  I come home to either cook dinner, watch my son, or just watch TV.

Lately I've felt that I really am not fitting in with the people at Ananda, although I love the teachings quite a bit... and I've started self study of Katsuki Sekida's Zen work...  Those 30min morning meditations are straight Sekida Zen style meditation.  I'm not doing Hong Sau, Om, or other practices.

So why am I like this?  Why am I creating these barriers to the spiritual path?  I feel like I'm destined to be a devotion failure.

Secrecy

Have you noticed that most spiritual practices of self attainment, have a level of secrecy?

Virtually all the Western Mystery Schools have this.  For example, when I was a member of The Esoteric Order of the Golden Dawn, each level was secret.  From Neophyte, up through the Inner Order.

The original Golden Dawn (from the 1800's) had the same secrecy, but the student Aleister Crowley published the material he was privy to.  He then founded his own organization, and yet created a new layer of secrecy!

In Buddhism, I found that most of the teachings were open - but there is a layer of secrecy as well... surrounding the Tantric teachings.  Despite popular culture painting Tantra to be sexual, my Buddhist lama's who taught tantra, told me it was not in any way shape or form sexual.  At least the Mahayana Buddhist version was not.  They taught me one Tantric principal... which was the negation of a negative trait via another negative trait (i.e. overcoming hatred with anger... and the both canceling each other out) via a meditation practice they translated as "Exchanging Self with Others."  However, the core Tantric practices were taught to those who gave years to the study of Buddhism.

In Rosicrucianism, you have layers of Secrecy as well....

Scientology also has it's secrets.  When I was a member of Scientology, in terms of it's structure (it's levels), I found it was very similar to Western Mystery Schools.  The upper levels (OT) were given "secret knowledge."

Then we have Kriya yoga, which is also kept a secret by most people who initiate into it.  In most cases it takes a year to 3 years in a Kriya path to get initiated into it.  In that time, you are expected to have some specific meditation practices down (such as meditating an hour + a day, doing various energy exercises, using specific techniques and so forth.)

In most of my past spiritual paths, I lasted about a year.  So I never reached the "secret" teachings.  My path of Yogananda's work with Kriya, is the longest I've stayed in a path (about 2 - 3 years.)  I haven't been devoted enough to my meditation practice to meet the requirements of Kriya initiation though.

So why the secrecy?

Some might say "It's about money..." in the case of Scientology, I would agree.  But in the case of these other spiritual paths, I am certain that they made no money off their membership... For example, the Mahayana Buddhist group I followed never charged for anything.  The Golden Dawn and other Mystery Schools charged small fees that covered printed materials.  Ananda isn't charging much either.  Very economical prices for the training.  So outside of Scientology, I don't think any of these groups are using secrecy to make money.

So then what's the reason?

I've asked various groups and I usually get the answer from the constituency that it's due to:
 - keeping something sacred
 - not throwing pearls before swine
 - the practice that is secret is so powerful, if misused it might damage a person's soul/mind

But I'm not sure if that's the real reason. That's the official reason.  But in Buddhism for example, the membership kept all their training sacred -  yet all that practice was Open.  The power aspect I'm skeptical of. Whenever someone says "This is very powerful...and you must pass through X levels to be told how to use it..." I find that very suspect.

I've wondered something else... Could this secrecy be a way of keeping people going along the path... For example, "do this work, so you can attain this great thing."  Then when you attain the great thing, there's more secrets... like the Carrot Before the Cart.

In Western schools, secrecy turns people into ego maniacs ... lording some secret knowledge over those of lower levels.  However in the Eastern schools, I never see that.  So again... why the secrecy?

Specific to Kriya yoga, there are requirements of attainment... like meditating for 1+ hour a day.  Perhaps they keep Kriya secret, so you meet this guideline and therefore will have more gain with Kriya.  But I'm not sure.

I'm not sure I know a answer that really makes sense to me.  At least not yet.

Just keep moving

It's hard sometimes to know what's the right direction.  At least for me.

But one thing I believe to be true, is to just move in one direction - with the mindfulness of improving or seeking God... and you'll get there... by whatever path is necessary.

Morning Meditation

Had a great meditation today. 

I broke up 30min into 3 10min segments. 

The first 10min I spent watching the breath and doing Hong Sau.

The second 10min I spent focused on the heart center.  While in this frame of mind, I brought the image of Yogananda to my heart and then felt I should give up all my fears and concerns.  I went through the fears and concerns I currently had. I was surprised to feel all that tension in my body that was related to them.  But I know that i'm always tense and stressed.  I felt I should "give these up" to God or to Yogananda. But wasn't sure how... and I felt the answer to that question was to give them up by realizing God is in control.  To visualize a possible problem, or existing situation, and see the worst case and realize if God is in control this is all for the spiritually best.  Each time I did that I felt a release from that problem.

The third 10min I spent focused on the Ajna center.  While focused here, I mostly tried to see the "third eye" - but had little luck, so I dwelt mostly in the feeling and focus here.  I felt very lifted by the end of it.

At the end of the meditation I closed with a prayer for protection of my wife and son.

Can't bind infinity

I was listening to a lecture from Swami Kriyanada and I picked out some notes from his talk.  Which included the subject of desires always being short (i.e. can't bind infinity.)

you can't bind infinity.  you're always short.  unless you put God first, and then you find it. Happiness.

know God's will by tuning and listening.

put out enthusaism. people of low energy are often afraid of being enthusiastic.  you change your idea about life, you can be enthusiastic about anything.

I asked Paramhansa Yogananda and I got a response!

this was pretty interesting.

My good friend was terminated yesterday.  I didn't get to say goodbye, so I reached out to him on Facebook asking what happened.

He didn't reply.  then today, I was mentally visualizing my guru (imagining him in my light field): Paramhansa Yogananda, and I asked aloud, "What will happen to [the name of my friend" and as I asked, literally in that exact moment, I got a message on my phone from my friend... and he said what happened and what he'll be doing next (taking some time off.)

How amazing that I got an instant answer!

Intuition

Two interesting things happened today.

 For the past few days I have been trying to trigger a OOBE while going to sleep.  I have no memory of one occurring, but something odd happened.

First, this morning... I had a "memory" of looking at a computer screen and seeing a profile of someone, like on a social site.  the name read Lakshmee. This person was a Indian woman.  Later in the day I read a segment from a book and in the book a person was mentioned.... a person named Lakshmee!

Second, while at my job, I had a meeting.  As I came into the meeting, I had a funny feeling. I looked around for someone I expected, didn't see them there and felt like they may no longer work here anymore.  Although this person had been with the company for many years, I found out a few hours later that they were dismissed that very day.

Ego in others, the reflection of me.

I recently had the interesting opportunity to meet with a couple of people.  These people I found arrogant, egotistical, frustrating and insulting.  So much attitude was pushed at me.  I could list all the things I went through with these two guys, but I'll just sum it up as arrogance.

I felt frustrated, discouraged and angry at the guys.  Then tonight in a light meditation, I asked God, "Why did you give me this situation?"  and the answer I got was "To humble you."  I dwelt on the answer for awhile and I decided to forgive these two people. When I did, I realized something amazing - what I disliked in them, is the same qualities I have inside myself.

I'm egotistical.  I'm arrogant.  I'm frustrating.  There are people that see me this way.  I've seen myself be like this.  There are some I look down on. Others I am arrogant with. 

I now see this frustrating moment as a golden opportunity to see a reflection of myself.  I now humble myself to others and those around me, and put God first.

Thanks to those mirrors who reflected my own issues back at me, that I could see my own faults.

Changing the inputs

I decided to change the inputs into my life, from negative to positive.

So...
I meditated this morning.
On the way to work, I played a recording of Swami Kriyananda on the subject of stress.
On my lunchbreak I read a small section from Paramhansa Yogananda A Biography.
I walked in quiet contemplation of Yogananda

I feel great. I feel in touch with a spiritual teacher (Yogananda) - I also feel more relaxed about whatever the world will throw at me.  For God is the Doer in all things.  In all things, I can find God.

Ocean

I've had a lot going on in my life lately.  We all do.  For me it's family emergencies, work chaos, financial crisis, personal health.  We all have our complaints.  I'm not trying to boast on mine.

But recently, after having lunch with Dharmaraj from Ananda - I really was feeling pretty meditative.  Just hanging out with someone who meditates, like Dharmaraj kinda rubs off and made me feel like I was more relaxed.

So there I was yesterday, driving home from work, and I see the ocean.  I'm coming down Colorado Ave, towards the beach, and I see the ocean way out there... and I'm thinking "look how perfectly still it is.  It's a straight line."

But it isn't calm out there in the ocean.  It isn't a straight line, when you're on a fishing boat a few miles out... you're up and down, side to side... then under the surface are all the currents going on.

Then it dawned on me.  Those undercurrents, and waves, and fuss in the ocean - it's only there when you're there at that spot.  If you stand back far enough - it's just a straight line - it's calm.

Similarly, if I step back far enough, issues like "who left the company?" or "how much money is left in my checking account?" become less reactive.  They're still there, and you deal with it, just without the reactive stress of being tossed and sunk.

 So how do we get the mind off the turmoil and onto something stable that's outside our reactive environment?  That's where the concept of God, or Guru, or Saint can really help.  It's a symbol, we can put our mind on, that isn't affected by the turmoil around us. 

Anyway, those are my thoughts on a day like this.

Light Headed - Ego Identification

I was meditating today in the park, on my lunch break.  I had this sensation of light headedness... and it scared me. I get all these fears like, "what if you're dieing?"  "what if you loose consciousness?"

I dont know why I get the lighteded feeling... But what I realized is that i'm so ego identified.  All I could do is grasp onto my chair, and try and break the meditation, to focus on myself.

This fear... this attachment to the body, is ego identificaiton... and it's not pleasant.  It disrupts and blocks spiritual progress.

Quote: Kriyananda

“I have always found that by adhering rigidly
to right action, I have achieved all the success I wanted and needed in
life.” - Kriyananda

How to be successful

To be ethical and all decisions made with a dharmic mind.  Only through right action is one successful.

How to separate God from Ego

A similar question was asked of Swami Kriyananda.  He mentioned that our ego wants to get in the way, but the way we can discover what is ego - if there is desire behind it. 

The guidance of God, shouldn't have selfish desire associated, but the egoic goals will have desire.  Find decisions that don't have selfish desire.

Fear

I was meditating a few days ago and came across this idea of Fear.

Fear, when confronted with a situation, is normal for someone attached to their body.
But fear, when no situation is currently at hand, is not normal - and instead the concentration on that fearful potential can create the outcome.

Depressed and writing a poem

I've been depressed for the past 3-4 weeks.

In looking at the source it seems to be my job.  The pressure, stress and demands that have occupied my life and taken away my ability to spend time with the family, exercise and even meditate.

in this dark feeling i wrote this stream of consciousness poem today:

this is the run on that never ends... the ultimate darkness of the human soul lays at the depth of my inner voice.  my hardened soul calibre is tired and fleeting life bleeds tired.  We're remote from the source.  The ever pounding thump of doom returns the horn call of the hallows evening.  This is the night of passing. The day of which turns to my personal night.  my darkness falls.  covering the tapestry of the lightless void.  Here I am.  I cry to those that hear me not.  Here I am... is returned by the call of him who knows me well... the eternal one... that mighty source - the spark of life.  Resonating well he says "there you are" and I am alive - again.  the process repeating itself. the incarnation repeating.  all memories whiped.  all karma ripened.  I am alone again, in a world of suffering.  The buddha was right.  but where's the goal?  I have lost sight.

Depressed

Since about Tuesday I've been depressed. I thought it useful to log this in the journal. It's affected my meditation (Tuesday i didn't meditate at all and we'd I only got 45min in.) In trying to find a trigger I've noticed: 1) Sat night and Monday night I saw depressing movies/ tv shows 2) Monday I realized my finances are not in a great position 3) I had fears about my job 4) Wife's immigration appointment was canceled by info pass. I felt like I can't win with these guys. I've been caught up in the delusion of Maya. Today (Thursday) I'm still feeling "down" although not as bad as Tuesday. After getting some sleep on Tuesday, I feel better, but not 100%.

Meditation and brilliant light

Today, I spent half an hour at lunch meditating in a park on the property where I work.  I was sitting on this cloudy day and did the Hong Sau exercise, for roughly 20min.  At some point, there was a strong pull to the point between my eyes... so strong, it felt like a magnet... I was just there.  Like I was locked there in place.

Then, came this really bright light, like a super white glow that flooded my mental vision.  It was so shocking, that I was jarred forward with fear.  I got scared because it was so unusual for me. Then i remembered this is what is taught by Paramhansa Yogananda.  That the light is the energy/light of the Christ Center or Ajna Chakra. 

I also made sure the sun hadn't come out and been the source of the light.  Sure enough, the sky was still cloudy.  It was so bright. 

I calmed myself and got back to that same sensation and saw a more yellowish light this time, again I opened my eyes and verified the sun wasn't out... again I got back to the same point and meditated on the glow.  It wasn't as strong of a sensation this time.

I think I somehow unconsciously lowered the experience to something I could tolerate.