Ink, Paper & a Stamp

That's all it took... those three things: Ink, Paper and a Stamp. That's all it took for me to loose my center yesterday.

I've been doing so well with anger. Totally free of it throughout the week - then yesterday, as i'm about to head out, I pick up the mail. In the mail is a letter from my Dr.'s office. I'm assuming it's a small bill for my recent blood test.

It's a bill all right. A bill I expected at $15, was well over $400. I was shocked. Outraged. Pissed off. I yelled. I screamed. I cussed.

my peace of mind was shaken. I said, "Why does God curse me with every blessing!" I couldn't reframe this in the moment. I was stuck in the rage.

I fell far fast.

Then, to make it worse, I calmed down outwardly, but only built up more repression of my anger. I dwelt on it. In the next hour after reading this, I was obsessing on it. I was thinking, "how can i make a few hundred bucks to pay for this? Will they say it's a mistake? How can i fight this?"

Then my wife did something normal, and I took out my anger on her. She gets quiet, and we go home early, instead of having a great anniversary weekend.

I get home, i'm looking for some source of satisfcation and peace and instead, indulge in over=eating and other bad habits.

It was about an hour after that I started to feel guilty. guilty for everything I did.

Now, beyond the guilt, I see the reality. God brought me that. it was a test to my tithe. Each paycheck, I give 10% to spiritual groups that teach and edify me. One source is Ananda.org another source is Agape. A third source is a small church I go to with my wife.

Here it would be a test of giving - with this bill in my face. I was upset because...

get this...

i was upset because I was caught up in my LITTLE SELF... and I was caught up in my SEEMING lack. But the reality of Tithing is, "God will provide." It's the true test of belief in God.

I failed in that moment. But now I see clearly. Next time, maybe I'll stay calm and clear.