Getting Back Into Meditation - and why I keep dropping off

I posted this in my other blog:
http://continuousmind.blogspot.com/2013/08/getting-back-into-meditation.html

I'm trying to recharge again and get back into meditation and mindfulness is something new I'm working on.

I don't know why but I tend to slip in and out of my practice.  I was pretty strong and connected to Yogananda's work via Ananda, until the end of 2012.  Then I slipped into materialism.  I started looking at the teachings and practices again around March of 2013 but I fell off again shortly there after.

I think that Yogananda's teachings are spot on.  Not sure why I keep falling off the daily practice.

Over the past few months I've looked into Zen (Sekida's work) as well as Bhante Gunaratana's work (Mindfulness in Plain English.)  The latter is very open, and easily meshes with Yogananda's teachings.

I feel one bit of resistance inside me, is to this idea of postures, and specific patterns of practice... For example, I see benefit to Hong Sau, but I find it difficult to believe that yoga postures do anything.  Sometimes I feel the energy move in my body, but other then that I don't really believe it.  Perhaps that inner resistance is what's preventing me from moving forward.  After all the teaching Yogananda wishes his students to attain is that of Kriya Yoga.

I think perhaps my doubts on mudra's and positions is causing me to have a inner blockage here.

The power of Intent and it's Danger

I haven't posted in awhile, and this may be seen as somewhat political in nature.  I don't wish it to be political in nature.

The past week has been one where I'm asked about my opinion regarding the Zimmerman trial almost daily.  I really try not to get involved in heated discussions or siding with one point of view.

But in this case I decided to read up on it. 

Instead of writing what I think about the trial, I wanted to take a different approach.  It's something each of us, especially parents, should take to heart.

Spiritualists have all heard of the "law of attraction."  We hear it talked about in movies like the Secret.  Many know of the concept of Karma - actions you do have reactions, and those actions you get are due to past actions.

But this case is the very evidence of this.

For the moment:
Forget the verdict.

Forget the court case

Look at Martin, the victim of the shooting.  Most of us see the photos in the aftermath, where he is a nice smiling child.  But we don't see who he was pretending to be.  When I started reading about the case, I saw Martin's twitter quotes, his facebook posts... the things his friends wrote him the years up to his death.  Photo's he took of himself.

Martin was trying his hardest to be perceived as a threat.  In his posts he called himself "gangsta," and his friends posted similarly about him being so.  Martin posted pictures of him breaking the law... smoking and intimating he was smoking pot.  He showed guns in his profile photos.

In short: He was trying his level best to be perceived as a gangster, as someone not trustworthy and someone to be scared of. 

His wish came true.  Someone did perceive him that way.  Someone did see him as a threat.  Remember the words of Zimmerman?  He said he felt something was wrong with that kid.  Whether you think he was wrong or right... why did he think that?

"He's a racist" some say... but why did he think that about Martin?

These things all have a reason.  He and Martin were drawn to that situation.  Martin wanted to be a threat, and Zimmerman was drawn to dealing with a threat.

What we can learn from this, is to drop the pretense.  Stop trying to be things that will bring us ill return.  Stop trying to be the threat.  Stop trying to create these defensive postures.  Stop trying to be seen as dangerous, aggressive, hostile, lewd, lustful, hateful, sad, depressed....  As we radiate those negative facades... we bring to us the very worst cases.

As parents, we should see that this behavior will return to our kids.  When we see our kids act like "outcasts" or "gangsta's" or "depressed" we have to take action.  These can be facades... we may think, "it's a phase..." that these facades attract really dangerous outcomes. 

You may be angry with the verdict.  But learn one thing from this life lesson - what we desire to be, we become... and before we become it, people will perceive us as being it. 

Devotion Problems

I was reading:
http://ananda.it/en/article/secret-devotion

It's a great read.  What I took out of it, was that there's one thing a spiritual seeker must not loose, and that's devotion.  Here's an excerpt:

Jesus said that when salt loses its taste it can no longer flavor anything. When the devotee loses devotion, who can give it back to him? Once Yogananda told me, “You will be fine, but don’t lose devotion.” It is the only important thing. Don’t worry about your weaknesses – everyone has them, otherwise they would not be here on earth – but don’t lose your devotion.

What I feel bad about, is that I always loose devotion.   Each path I picked I've walked out of a year later, or I become lazy about it... and preoccupy myself with material matters.

I'm not actually sure how to maintain Devotion.  At some point in my path, for one reason or another (stress, being busy, material obsession) I stop meditating, stop practicing... Or, I say, "You know I don't feel this is working, I better try something else."

I've been thinking about it a lot and I dont know why I have this problem.

I was raised in Christianity.  I didn't have a choice there. I thought it was the only path.  When I sought a solution to anger, I couldn't find it there, so I branched out to Buddhism... still holding on to Christianity, but taking on Buddhist methods. 

I left Buddhism, after it felt like a grind.  I was driving 2-3 hours each way to do the Buddhist thing.  I kept it up for a year, when it had it's "newness."  When the newness wore off, I started to find reasons to exit.  I saw arrogance, ego, fundamentalism (i.e. "Other Buddhists are wrong, our way is the right way...")  and a lack of concern for others... when the Tsunami occurred people organized food drives, and the Lama told us that our efforts were in vain, as we can't help people here in this world. if we could, then the Buddha would do it for us.  So therefore why help others, unless you do it with the intention of resolving your own karma.

I tried other Buddhist centers, but they told me that sooner or later I'd have to drop the concept of God.  I didn't like that as I believed in God, yet saw real value in Buddhism.

I moved from Buddhism to join the Golden Dawn. They had a concept of God, but lacked the useful methodologies of Buddhism... and their meditation practices in the Golden Dawn were weak.  They didn't have any real concrete form of meditation.  People were ego maniacs and I saw little spiritual gain.  Siddhi's and powers, yes they had... but no gain over emotion, anger, or finding a relationship with God.  My decision to leave was during a time of stress for me. I was doing work for the G.D. and my fiance didn't care for the time i put into it... along with the G.D. members starting to talk down to me or talk to me in anger.

I left the G.D. to self teachings of the occult mysteries... only to feel again, I wasn't gaining or growing spiritually.

I shifted to Scientology - that started well with Dianetic auditing... but once they started the money calls... i left. 

I moved back to self  teachings... and became soon after joined Free Masonry... which offered little more then a social club... then tried the Kabbalah Center... but left that within a year.  My feelings on Kabbalah was that again, I felt this agressive attitude from certain people and it turned me off.

At this point, I drifted into Self Study of Eastern Philosophy... such as Eckert Tolle, Ram Dass, and Michael Bernard Beckwith (Religious Science.)  I wanted to belong... Beckwith's group Agape, was huge... and expensive... so I didn't stick.  Then through Beckwith's books, I found a mention of Yogananda... and somehow came to Kriya.

I wanted to discover this Kriya Yoga, and found Ananda.

Ananda has been one of the most solid spiritual organizations I've ever spent time with.  They are great people, positive and peaceful.  I don't agree with everything Kriyananda believed, but I respect his work very much.

But after 1.5 years, I began to slip on Ananda's teachings... I was hard core up till about mid of last year.  I got busy with life... when my son was born a couple  years ago, I slipped up on meditation... then later I slipped up when i was looking to make a carrier change. 

But now I'm in a stable job... but I find it so hard to focus on the spiritual path.  I know there are stressors in my life... my wife's immigration issues, my son needs to be watched constantly, money is tight... and I'm paying too much to the Fed Income Tax...

My diet is terrible. I have migraines, and I'm tired all the time.  The only time I meditate is in the morning... maybe I get 30min in... but I don't do the evening meditations, because I'm drained by then.  I come home to either cook dinner, watch my son, or just watch TV.

Lately I've felt that I really am not fitting in with the people at Ananda, although I love the teachings quite a bit... and I've started self study of Katsuki Sekida's Zen work...  Those 30min morning meditations are straight Sekida Zen style meditation.  I'm not doing Hong Sau, Om, or other practices.

So why am I like this?  Why am I creating these barriers to the spiritual path?  I feel like I'm destined to be a devotion failure.

Secrecy

Have you noticed that most spiritual practices of self attainment, have a level of secrecy?

Virtually all the Western Mystery Schools have this.  For example, when I was a member of The Esoteric Order of the Golden Dawn, each level was secret.  From Neophyte, up through the Inner Order.

The original Golden Dawn (from the 1800's) had the same secrecy, but the student Aleister Crowley published the material he was privy to.  He then founded his own organization, and yet created a new layer of secrecy!

In Buddhism, I found that most of the teachings were open - but there is a layer of secrecy as well... surrounding the Tantric teachings.  Despite popular culture painting Tantra to be sexual, my Buddhist lama's who taught tantra, told me it was not in any way shape or form sexual.  At least the Mahayana Buddhist version was not.  They taught me one Tantric principal... which was the negation of a negative trait via another negative trait (i.e. overcoming hatred with anger... and the both canceling each other out) via a meditation practice they translated as "Exchanging Self with Others."  However, the core Tantric practices were taught to those who gave years to the study of Buddhism.

In Rosicrucianism, you have layers of Secrecy as well....

Scientology also has it's secrets.  When I was a member of Scientology, in terms of it's structure (it's levels), I found it was very similar to Western Mystery Schools.  The upper levels (OT) were given "secret knowledge."

Then we have Kriya yoga, which is also kept a secret by most people who initiate into it.  In most cases it takes a year to 3 years in a Kriya path to get initiated into it.  In that time, you are expected to have some specific meditation practices down (such as meditating an hour + a day, doing various energy exercises, using specific techniques and so forth.)

In most of my past spiritual paths, I lasted about a year.  So I never reached the "secret" teachings.  My path of Yogananda's work with Kriya, is the longest I've stayed in a path (about 2 - 3 years.)  I haven't been devoted enough to my meditation practice to meet the requirements of Kriya initiation though.

So why the secrecy?

Some might say "It's about money..." in the case of Scientology, I would agree.  But in the case of these other spiritual paths, I am certain that they made no money off their membership... For example, the Mahayana Buddhist group I followed never charged for anything.  The Golden Dawn and other Mystery Schools charged small fees that covered printed materials.  Ananda isn't charging much either.  Very economical prices for the training.  So outside of Scientology, I don't think any of these groups are using secrecy to make money.

So then what's the reason?

I've asked various groups and I usually get the answer from the constituency that it's due to:
 - keeping something sacred
 - not throwing pearls before swine
 - the practice that is secret is so powerful, if misused it might damage a person's soul/mind

But I'm not sure if that's the real reason. That's the official reason.  But in Buddhism for example, the membership kept all their training sacred -  yet all that practice was Open.  The power aspect I'm skeptical of. Whenever someone says "This is very powerful...and you must pass through X levels to be told how to use it..." I find that very suspect.

I've wondered something else... Could this secrecy be a way of keeping people going along the path... For example, "do this work, so you can attain this great thing."  Then when you attain the great thing, there's more secrets... like the Carrot Before the Cart.

In Western schools, secrecy turns people into ego maniacs ... lording some secret knowledge over those of lower levels.  However in the Eastern schools, I never see that.  So again... why the secrecy?

Specific to Kriya yoga, there are requirements of attainment... like meditating for 1+ hour a day.  Perhaps they keep Kriya secret, so you meet this guideline and therefore will have more gain with Kriya.  But I'm not sure.

I'm not sure I know a answer that really makes sense to me.  At least not yet.

Just keep moving

It's hard sometimes to know what's the right direction.  At least for me.

But one thing I believe to be true, is to just move in one direction - with the mindfulness of improving or seeking God... and you'll get there... by whatever path is necessary.

Morning Meditation

Had a great meditation today. 

I broke up 30min into 3 10min segments. 

The first 10min I spent watching the breath and doing Hong Sau.

The second 10min I spent focused on the heart center.  While in this frame of mind, I brought the image of Yogananda to my heart and then felt I should give up all my fears and concerns.  I went through the fears and concerns I currently had. I was surprised to feel all that tension in my body that was related to them.  But I know that i'm always tense and stressed.  I felt I should "give these up" to God or to Yogananda. But wasn't sure how... and I felt the answer to that question was to give them up by realizing God is in control.  To visualize a possible problem, or existing situation, and see the worst case and realize if God is in control this is all for the spiritually best.  Each time I did that I felt a release from that problem.

The third 10min I spent focused on the Ajna center.  While focused here, I mostly tried to see the "third eye" - but had little luck, so I dwelt mostly in the feeling and focus here.  I felt very lifted by the end of it.

At the end of the meditation I closed with a prayer for protection of my wife and son.

Can't bind infinity

I was listening to a lecture from Swami Kriyanada and I picked out some notes from his talk.  Which included the subject of desires always being short (i.e. can't bind infinity.)

you can't bind infinity.  you're always short.  unless you put God first, and then you find it. Happiness.

know God's will by tuning and listening.

put out enthusaism. people of low energy are often afraid of being enthusiastic.  you change your idea about life, you can be enthusiastic about anything.